Female Masturbation Can Apparently Open ‘A Portal To Hell’

Man, it’s been one heck of a week on the ol’ interwebs, has it not? We’ve seen Navy pilots lose their crap over alleged UFO’s flying over San Diego. We’ve seen Donald Trump drink a glass of water like a five-year-old. And now its come to our attention that female masturbation can apparently open ‘a portal to hell’.

That’s the word from Mack Major of Eden Decoded in Florida, who says a woman diddling herself is all but enough reason for Satan to rise up and do his devilish deeds.

In fact, this was Major’s direct quote, via Dazed:

“Masturbation is a direct path to Satan. There is nothing normal about it” he says emphatically. “Whether you want to accept it as fact or not: those sex toys are an open portal between the demonic realm and your own life.”

I mean, I’ve seen a couple movies my friends have told me about a couple movies where it might have looked like some form of resurrection was taking place during a female orgasm, but nobody died nor were any penis’ harmed in the uprising.

Seriously, there are some weird ass people out there.

Go get laid, bro. Hell isn’t too bad of a visit.

Frank White

Written by Frank White

I've written on a lot of your favorite websites while I live in my mother's basement. If you only knew what a hard time I'm having holding these alligators down. Woo. | Twitter: @GuyHut | FB: @GuyHutSports